Kakamayka and 7 other great bitches

BROKEN ENGLISH – SEYCHELLOIS-STYLE

White sandy beaches, lush green rain forests, and black towering cliffs. Seychelles ticks all the marks on the “exotic tropical paradise” checklist. The tiny archipelago is one of those tranquil places where the only risk you’re taking is being bludgeoned by a falling coconut. Still, you’ll be forgiven for missing Seychelles altogether. The island nation is just a petite speck of land in the middle of the vast Indian Ocean. It was first stumbled across by the Portuguese sailors some 300 years ago. Lucky for us, navigation systems had improved since. It took our 787 jetliner less than 6 hours to land on precisely the right runway at Mahe International airport (which shouldn’t be too difficult as there’s only one runway). And while getting around is easy, understanding the locals’ language could be a bit of a challenge. Lucky for us, we ended up at Takamaka Beach. Great hangout, by-the-way.

Work hard – rest well

It has been a hard long year. It started with a small outbreak in a faraway Chinese city whose name no one has heard of before. Then the snowball began rolling. We quickly went from “things will turn out for the best”, to “Arrrghhh!! Brace yourselves for an impact”, to “hey, sales are booming, we need to keep pace.” It ended with Cardo Systems being acquired by the private equity firm EMK. Who said happy ends exist only in shady massage parlors?

With the deal done, I really needed a rest. My wife offered Seychelles. I needed no further encouragement. Life is easy in Seychelles, and so was the flight. We cleared immigration, grabbed our suitcase, hailed a cab, and rode it to the other side of the island to a pampered resort called Constance Ephilia.

Seychelles has numerous islands, but most of its landmass and population are concentrated in the largest island called Mahe. Large is a relative term since it’s only 26 Km long and less than 10Km wide. It does host some impressive cliffs – highest topping 900m – and numerous secluded white-sandy beaches. Comfortably enough, most of the island’s 80 thousand inhabitants prefer living on the east side of Mahe. This leaves the beautiful west side mostly wild and surprisingly empty.

After wasting three glorious days drinking cold Mojitos and doing nothing, we decided to rent a small car and tour around.

“Allo! Koman Sava?”

Many things make this teeny nation unique. To begin with, it’s the richest and most developed country in Africa – in itself a bit of a misnomer since it’s not in Africa at all.

Seychelles is well managed, extremely clean, highly vaccinated against COVID, and most importantly – have a strictly practiced law against fencing off beaches. All of Mahe’s rugged shores are 100% open to the public. This freedom ends at the first line of coconut trees, but as long as you keep yourself to the sandy bit, no Four Season’s security guard can kick you away. Good.

The island nation is also a hodgepodge of cultures which at times can be quite amusing. The islands changed hands quite a few times, with France and England topping the colonizers’ list. As a result, the islanders drive on the left side of the road, write laws and practice them by the “Common Law” in Queen’s English, but call each other “Seychellois”, and talk amongst themselves French – more precisely, in Creole. The local language is described, rather euphemistically, as a “French dialect”. In reality, it sounds nothing like French, contains words from other languages, and would probably make De Gaul and Descartes turn in their graves.

On the flip side, Creole is completely free of any aspirations of “Grandeur” and is written exactly like the way it’s pronounced. Call it sweet irony, but in a country so well maintained, it’s good to know that at least one thing is completely broken – the language.

Now, let’s head to the beaches.

The easy – Port Lunay North Beach

These two beaches are a pair of usual suspects being both included in the vast territory, which is the Constance Ephelia grand resort. The northern beach is easily reached from Port Lunay Road (Remember, all beaches are open to the public. Whatever is beyond the tree line is private). A small parking space and bus terminal making this an easy choice for the locals as well. Weekends can get loud, but otherwise, this small secluded bay with its 300 meters stretch of white sand is a classic tropical paradise. Ringed by rolling protects these small enclaves from rough waters. Locals also offer fishing tours and other activities for those with extra time and cash. Feel free to order your cold coconut juice for the locals or a glass of over-priced Dry Martini from Constance Ephilia’s ever-vigilant staff.

Addicted to island paradises? Check out these posts:
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* The three laws of violence preservation
* A tourist trap from above
* On the spice route to Zanzibar

The not so easy – Port Lunay South Beach

The southern beach is significantly wider, with 700 meters of pristine white sands. It’s also much emptier than the nearby northern beach partly because it’s much harder to reach ( Unless, of course, you are a guest of the resort), being separated from the island ring road by a shallow river. Determined souls can get there either by boat or brave it out swimming from the nearby village of Port Gaud. Most chance you’ll be the only person there as most of the resort’s guests prefers the livelier northern cousin. Those who do venture out there will enjoy shallow, crystal-clear waters and one of the best vistas to Mahe’s cloud-shrouded top peaks.

The Deserted – Cape Ternay beach

Abandoned and decaying hotel lost in a sprawling jungle, and a shore that disappears completely at high waters, Cape Ternay beach is the ultimate lost-in-time hang out.

The place did get some notoriety as the quintessential deserted beach of Mahe. You’d be surprised to find few adventurous souls like yourself (most of them friendly locals) enjoying the feeling of fake discovery. I enjoyed my time chatting with a family from the capital Victoria on a hunt for coconuts and another from the much closer Grand Anse Village gathering coconut-tree compost from the surrounding forest.

Surfers ahoy – Grand Anse

Situated about seven kilometers southeast of Port Lunay, the Grand Anse (Anse in French is creek or cove, but the locals Seychellois refer to it as meaning a beach), as the name suggests, is indeed grand. 1.3 Kilometers of pristine, untouched coast makes this place a welcoming surprise as it is the first beach you encounter when driving from the airport across to the western side of the island. There are no resorts on the Grand Anse, only an elementary school whose students – one can only assume – master the class of wave surfing.

The beach is known as a surfer and not a bather/swimmer paradise. Partly because there’s nothing to protect the coastline from the endless stretch of the Indian Ocean. In April, however, there aren’t any winds.  The waters on Mahe’s western side are all flat and placid. Yes, we visited in April and tested the balmy warm waters of the Grand Anse before continuing south.

Rock tub – Baie Lazzre Beach

We stumbled on this wonderful stretch by chance and were very happy we did. At first, we navigated to the smaller and better-known Anse Soliel. However, when we saw the tiny, crowded and unimpressive stretch, we decided to look elsewhere. Baie Lazzare happened to be the closest. To get there, continue from Grand Anse south on Mahe ring road for about 13Km. Turn right on the sign for Anse Soleil. Pass the junction leading to the Kempinski Seychelles resort and turn left at the following fork in the road. Drive down the narrow stretch of tarmac until you reach a small, shaded parking space right near the western side of the 1Km long half-moon bay. You’ve arrived.

The first thing you’ll notice after gazing at the beautiful scenery is the incredible turquoise waters. The sea was placid and inviting. Still, we kept our clothes on because the real treasure of this beautiful hangout is the rocky western end of it, which almost perfectly encloses a private natural pool. Somehow there’s always a small wooden boat parked in the middle of it, which makes for a fascinating photo-op. No wonder the Kempinski resort call this place home.

The perfect – Takamaka Beach

This one’s a real “stunner”. Ever looking for that “picture-perfect” beach? Well, you need not look any further. Takamaka is one sandy stretch taken straight out of the Garden of Eden. The name is taken from the Takamaka trees that, according to the book, line this beach. Frankly, I don’t think I’ll recognize them since the palm trees, the clear turquoise waters, the well-placed Granite, rock, and the beautiful wooden structure of Chez Batista all conspire to make this botanical triviality meaningless and out of context. In other words, who cares why Takamaka is called Takamaka?! Want to remember something long after you leave Seychelles? This place is a must!

To get there, drive from Baie Lazzare back to the main ring road. Continue south for 4Km until you see a sign pointing to the beach. Park your car on the gravel near the sign warning of currents. Continue on foot south until you get to the rocky part dominated by the Chez Batista maison. We read that the place could be riddled with high surf, but when we visited in April, the sea was calm, and the waters were clear. You can snorkel, you can chill out, you can swim, you can eat, and stay. You can get lost in Takamaka – and I wouldn’t blame you for doing so.

The eastern alternative – Anse Royalle

So far we only covered the shores of the western side of the island. Most Seychellois, however, live on the easter side of Mahe. They too need someplace to cool down and relax after a long (?) day of hard (?) work. Anse Royal plays that part beautifully. Still, and in all honesty, unless weather and wind patterns make the western side stormy and inhospitable, there is really no good reason to skip the much better coastline of the less populous west. However, if you do wish to hobnob with real local beach culture, there’s a better choice. Coming next…

The popular – Beau Vallon

Beau Vallon is the most famous and popular beach in Seychelles, and for a good reason. It’s both close to the island’s capital yet distinct and separated from it. The beach is big and long – close to 2Km in length, yet is never intimidating or over-crowded. The place is full of action and alive with restaurants, bars, and cafes but remains intimate and tranquil. Most of all, Beau Vallon doesn’t try to be secluded, exotic, private, or up-scale. This is where regular folks go to on weekends to have fun and relax. We’re so happy we got there on a beautiful Sunday afternoon – you will too.

Life in Beau Vallon is easy, and getting there is easy too. Just drive 5 Km west from the island capital Victoria. There are plenty of parking spaces so you shouldn’t have too much of a problem. We arrived on a busy weekend and had no trouble at all. Leaving our car parked on the Northern side of the beach, we headed to a famous local restaurant called “La Plage”.

After having a very nice lunch of Jumbo Shrimp, we rented some comfy chairs and settled on the wide sandy beach. should you find it difficult to relax, have no fear. Plenty of activities – from kite-surfing to Jet Skiing – will help to keep your adrenaline flowing while easing the load of your wallet. If, on the other hand, you like to indulge yourself a bit, a great place called La Dolce Vita will gladly provide you with some very nice ice cream. I personally recommend the “Casata” flavor.

“With such a variety of different things to do, it’s little wonder that Beau Vallon is so well-known by tourists and locals alike. This beach is one of the few ‘must-see’ locations for any Seychelles holidaymaker.” Says the brochure. In this case, I’ll have to agree.