MUSTALGIA ON THE SANTA MONICA PIER
There’s a comically oversized guy on a small, beat-up old Lambretta. He says he’s in for the ride. He has a complete set of floodlights attached to the old Italian scooter that would scare Bambie a mile away. It’s not even noon. I can only wonder how he made it so far up the pier. Another one shows up on a Bonneville. He’s dressed up in a full three-piece vintage suit, complete with a matching pocket handkerchief and a well-groomed dandy mustache. It’s Santa Monica, and the Southern California sun is beating down our heads. Nobody seems to mind the inadequacy. A third shows up in a side-cart Bimmer. He, his wife, and the little kid are all in Tigger suits. Somehow, that passes almost as normal. Welcome to the Distinguished Gentlemen Ride, a magnet for the Hipsters, the nostalgics, and the downright eccentric.
With over 500 motorcycles, it’s a weird spectacle of American proportions.
Earlier that day
I landed at LAX at 6 am earlier that day after a 15-hour flight in coach. Hey, it’s only ten time zones away from home. No biggie. I stand patiently in the long queue for immigration, pick up my luggage, head to Avis, grab a car, only to discover it has a flat. I go back, get upgraded to a red Mustang (good), open the hood of the American muscle car to find a European 2.3 Liter four-pot Ecoboost engine (damn!). “Oh well, you just can’t have it all, can you?” I think to myself as I guide the vehicle down the palm-tree-lined avenue.
I flew all the way to LA for the launch of our top-end communicator, the Packtalk Pro. This will happen in two days, so I have this day to myself. It’s early in the morning, and with nothing better to do, I head to my Downtown Los Angeles hotel to check in the luggage and perhaps grab a bite for breakfast. The ride is a breeze, with surprisingly thin traffic. It takes a while for me to realize it’s the weekend, and there aren’t enough Bozos heading to work early Sunday morning. Things are kept upbeat as I’m surprised to get a key to my vacant room. I take a nice quick shower, change my clothes, and then head down to the “Original Pantry Café” just three blocks away.
The best dingy Cafe in Downtown LA
The Pantry Café is a local institution worthy of a post on its own. For now, I’ll just state that nowhere else in California would you get a 3,000-calories, cardiac-arrest-inducing, gargantuanly-oversized breakfast for $12 plus tax. Happy, although slightly nauseated, I wobble outside, coffee in hand, and drag myself back to the hotel. Resisting the urge to fall asleep and digest the disproportionately large meal, I drag myself back to the parking lot, drop inside the deep bucket seat, press the ignition, release a ‘burp’ (sorry, mama), and head west towards the Santa Monica Pier.
Distinguished background
The Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride is an annual event founded in 2012 in Sydney, Australia. The celebration centers on classic, vintage-styled motorcycles, café racers, scramblers, and other heritage-looking two-wheelers—and those who ride them. Motorcycle culture has inspired many movies and TV shows; however, in this rare case, it was television that gave birth to the ride. Founder Mark Hawwa said he was inspired by a photo of the protagonist of the TV Show Mad Men, Don Draper, on top of a classic 1960s Matchless motorcycle.
California dreaming? Read these blog posts! * Big Sir! * Scouting Malibu on an Indian * Steeper than 'Frisco', Zanier than NYC * Crazy, Pointless, Irresistible!
Something about the regal look of actor Jon Hamm in a fine vintage suit clicked. Mark decided a themed ride would be a great way of connecting heritage motorcycle enthusiasts. He was not alone. This year, the ride was held in over 900 cities simultaneously. I was on my way to meet members of the Cardo team in one of the larger such meetups – on the world-famous Santa Monica Pier. Those familiar with Grand Theft Auto would need no further introduction. If you’ve been living under a rock in the last 20 years, The 500m-long pier marks the end of Route 66, a legendary 4,000km interstate that starts in Chicago and snakes its way through the entire Southwestern side of the United States. The large wooden structure is the main geographical feature of Los Angeles County, second only to the Hollywood sign.
On the pier
I park the rental next to the pier and head up the old wooden steps to the gathering grounds above. The view from the large wooden platform is breathtaking. To the north, the wide sandy beach stretches ahead until it curves to the left, where it meets the high Malibu mountain range. The two continue in parallel to the west and beyond the horizon all the way to Santa Barbara. Closer by, intrepid surfers brave the cold Pacific currents as they maneuver to catch the next “big one.” I could have probably stared at the scenery for hours – gulping at the natural and human vistas. Unfortunately, I have other things to do.
I step towards the registration booth where the first motorcycles congregate. There’s a guy on a Ducati Scrambler dressed up in a turquoise checkered suit and a matching bowler hat. He looks like the cheerful, happy half-brother of Goldfinger’s “Odd Job”. Behind him, another dude shows up in what must be the best two-wheel version of the P40 Warhawk, complete with the signature shark-teeth emblem and a matching helmet. They keep on coming.
A lady dressed in an all-white suit (this is Southern California, and no event is gender restricted) on top of an Indian Scout, a couple with matching dresses on two big R18 Bimmers, two dandy-looking gents on a single Vespa. One looks like the Asian version of Frank Zappa, while the other sports a Dali-styled mustache. I seriously suspect that piece of hair was there a few hours earlier, but decide not to employ the “let’s rip it off” routine this time.
The Cardo connection
As a motorcycle accessory company, we decided to sponsor the LA Chapter of the global Gentleman’s event. I hobnob with the organizers and meet Triumph’s American CMO for a long chat. The British company is the global sponsor, and you don’t need a degree in Marketing to understand why. The brand’s overall comeback in the last 25 years is much based on the wave of nostalgia for the old days of British motorcycle domination. Lucky for modern Triumph, their new line is nostalgic only in looks and not in reliability. No one seems to miss “the good’ol days” of oil leaks and breakdowns.
Die-hard motorcyclists? I have these posts just for you * You only die twice * The complete survival guide to riding a motorcycle in India * 6 essential rules you must know before doing Nepal off-road * Bucket-list item #4 – Sturgis * On a ride to nowhere * Scouting Malibu on an Indian * Steeper than 'Frisco', Zanier than NYC
Back to the grand platform, where over 500 vintage motorcycles of all shapes and sizes now line the deck, a fake version of “KISS” is busy destroying the quaint atmosphere by strangling 1970s hard rock classics.
I take the opposite direction to meet a gent in a Union Jack jacket and his goggle-wearing Golden Doodle. The duo road from nearby Venice Beach with the dog in the side-cart. The pooch is wearing goggles and sports pink-dyed ears and matching pink paws. I draw my phone, unsure whether to take a picture or call the Society for Prevention of Cruelty. I eventually settle on the former. Another, more traditional couple (traditional only in the relative sense) takes selfies on top of a pink bike whose brand I fail to recognize. He is dressed in a full Scottish green Kilt, and she in a sparkling green cowgirl attire taken straight out of late 70s Studio 54.
Waiting for a ride
The organizers say an actual ride is coming soon. The local Harley-mounted Police force is waiting at the edge of the gathering, all but amused by the eccentric display. It’s 1 pm, and the sun is burning relentlessly, yet no one appears to be in any hurry whatsoever. Speaking of Sun, it suddenly dawns on me that I’ve been walking around the pier for at least two hours with nothing but my own lock of natural hair to protect me. I walk to a nearby restroom, where a bright red tomato stares back at me from the mirror. Needless to say I didn’t bring any hat with me. Time to go back to the roofed car in the parking below and head straight to the closest Rite Aid outlet.
The distinguished Gentleman’s Ride is not just about vintage suits and bikes. The ride goals are to raise funds and awareness for men’s mental health and prostate cancer research. In its 12 years of existence, the organizers have raised more than $50 million for these two worthy causes. With more than 900 individual rides all taken on the same day in May, chances are a Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride will be held in a location near you. If you have an old rusting motorcycle and have kept your grandpa’s clothes stashed somewhere up the attic, you’ve got till May 2025 to clear out the spider webs and have them fixed. And while at it, consider grooming up a dandy mustache.
